“I feel like dying; God, just kill me.” This is the thought with which I constantly struggled.
During my early twenties, severe depression sent me to the hospital. At that time, I weighed 84 pounds, and my body was not responding.
I remember that they placed me with a patient who was mentally disturbed, who banged her head against the wall, screaming, and I remember the ironic feeling creeping up that she might actually kill me.
That’s when I asked myself, “How in the world did I end up here? Do you really want to die, Rossana?”
That was when I awoke to the fact that I had a deep pain that I needed to address. It was a pain that I had been ignoring for so many years, deep wounds from my childhood that I had been working so hard to push down into the depths of my soul. I was able to admit that I did not want to die, but that I was in immense pain.
My Natural Healing Journey
Hi, my name is Rossana Tello. I was born in Peru but raised in New York. My journey to self healing started when I found myself locked up in a mental hospital. Shortly after my release, my doctors put me on high doses of antidepressants which left me feeling even worse than before and at times numb. I was a walking zombie with no desire or purpose in life. I knew I could not keep living like this; there was a deep wound inside me, but I did not know how to reach it. I had built deep layers of protection that I could not even see.
When I was only four years old, my father migrated to the US and my mother made the choice to walk away and abandon my siblings and me. We were alone. My grandmother from my father’s side raised me until the age of 9.
My grandma is from the Andes Mountains of Peru, and she was always a hard-working woman that had her own struggles. She instilled in me that a happy life is one where you have a great career, plenty of money, no boyfriend, and trust no one. So as a kid I focused on being career-oriented.
When my father brought my siblings and me to the United States, I continued focusing on my career. I separated myself from my emotions. I don’t remember even processing the abandonment of my parents. My father is a hard-working, loving man, but he lacked the skills of communication. Perhaps he felt guilty that we were left alone. But still, he took care of me until I was able to go to college. I graduated from college and I got an amazing job in New York City.
Where Things Went Wrong
During my adolescence, I had a feeling that something was wrong inside of me, but I just kept pushing it down, and so I focused on being busy. I also tried to deal with my pain by finding God in different religions. But religion just was not helping my soul. It actually made everything more confusing and painful.
As a young adult, new in the working world, I focused on my great job. I picked up as many hours as I could, not really because I needed more money, but as a way to run away from myself. All this left me feeling energetically expended and fatigued. For the first time, I began to question my grandmother’s advice. Perhaps a good job didn’t equal happiness at all.
In the midst of those new realizations and periods of confusion, I started questioning everything. I was kicked out of my religion. Part of my family decided to disassociate from me because of my choice not to be part of any particular religion. I became extremely sad and felt ill. I ended up in the hospital, where they diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder. Depression completely took over my life, and I struggled with it for over four years.
The pain of living this unending monotony was unbearable. It eventually got to a point where I completely succumbed to the knowing perception that I would never vanquish the demons that now controlled my life and I began to question myself: “Who am I, and why am I here?”
Nature Began Sending Me Signs
I am convinced that some universal power sensed my defeat but wasn’t ready to give up on me. Almost magically, I began to receive signs. One Sunday afternoon while lying on my bed, I took my phone out and stumbled upon a talk by Earl Nightingale named “Strangest Secret in the World.” Something from that talk resonated within me so deeply that I began to ask myself the question that my conquered mind hadn’t been able to devise in years, “What did I truly want to do with my life moving forward?”
After meditating on that idea, I concluded that in front of me I had two life-altering choices. One was to die, and the other was to pick myself up and fight for my physical, emotional, and spiritual existence.
I decided to pick myself up and find inner strength. As another magic sign, I saw the spirits of the trees calling out to me, asking me to come now; I never had connected with nature before.
This universal message was sent to me so that I would promise myself not to spend any more time locked inside. I started hiking on a self-healing journey, and since that day, I have religiously hiked almost every weekend for three years on different trails in Upstate NY. I began to have some friends join me. From there I created an official hiking group in New York named Walking in the Wild – Hiking. This group was my opportunity to share hiking and my love for nature with others. It also allowed like-minded people to come together in a wonderful setting.
In nature I found myself, in nature I found God, in nature I discovered self-love and the understanding of why I was suffering. I love nature because it saved me from self-destruction. Life is far too short. I got a second chance at life and I intend to cherish every breath.
Connecting to My Roots
I made up my mind to figure out a system that would allow me to travel around the world to share my passion for hiking. I also promised myself that in a couple of months I would leave my job. Since making that decision, I found several entrepreneurial business opportunities that gave me success, but also some that left me broke. In life, you will meet different people, some with good intention and some without.
I sense that this whole process is preparation for something bigger than just a marketing career or working in the health profession. I also realized that anything I did, if it was with good intention, was very successful, but if it had no purpose it would crumble right in front of my eyes.
This journey with Nature left me hungry to discover more about her and with a desire to get to know myself more deeply. Since my journey began, I have travelled to Peru as many times as I can to find my heritage, to connect to my indigenous ancestors, to learn from the Andes Mountains, to heal my deep wounds, and to see my higher self. I have hiked so many mountains over and over again to build strength and to build love for myself first and then for the rest of humanity. In this process, I learned to forgive myself, my parents, and everyone that crossed my path. I feel this immense gratitude that everyone played a role in my life in order for me to become aware of my wounds and to remember how to heal myself.
Out of this healing process, which is an ongoing process of life, was born my desire to share this connection to Mother Earth. With our Mother we can heal ourselves, we can empower ourselves, we can see with clear eyes, we can fully love ourselves, and we can bring change to the collective. By healing our soul, we can heal the collective and have a more fulfilling life.
How It All Lead to Pachamama’s Connections
Out of this connection with Nature came about Pachamama’s Connections (Mother Nature in the Quechua language). It’s about connecting back to source, connecting to our surroundings, understating ourselves. The goal of Pachamama’s Connections is to create spaces where anyone with the desire to heal and connect to themselves can do so by experiencing nature through different activities such as hiking, meditating, performing sacred offerings, sound healing, and participating in nature’s self-healing retreats. My goal is for you to empower you and to find your greatness.
Pachamama’s Connections will be implementing hiking groups around the world with the intention of self-healing, the same way I was inspired to heal through nature. My mission is to keep growing our initiative and spread our support to as many indigenous communities as possible.
Pachamama’s Connections is a vision of the connection between love and nature. It’s an opportunity to give back to Mother by supporting communities that protect the Earth.
The mission of Pachamama’s Connection is to connect souls to nature by empowering minds, sharing sacred knowledge to assist the healing of the collective, and supporting indigenous communities.
I’m super excited and grateful to be part of this healing journey for the world.
Rossana Tello – Pachamama’s Connections Allied